Recently my husband and I were encouraged to take a Love Languages quiz, or really THE love language quiz. At that point neither of us had head of love languages, even though it’s not really a new concept (or a new quiz).
Now I am a former quiz addict. Like as a preteen the whole point of teen magazines were the quizzes. I joined OkCupid years ago (before I met my husband) just because of a link to a quiz on Facebook, and I only used the account for quizzes. I take the quizzes going around on Facebook, and I practically live on Buzzfeed and QuizSocial. I think it’s fun, but that’s it. Like Astrology, it’s entertaining and sure it can be on point but it can also be so off it’s laughable. It’s not like there is hard science behind it. Well this quiz is different.
Like the Myers-Briggs Personality Type test, this test is simply asking what matters more to you between two statements. It takes the number of preferences you have per love language and tallies the results. Before I get into it, let me just say I think everyone should take this quiz (just like I think everyone should take the Myers-Briggs test) because it helps clarify your priorities and what actions/things mean the most to you. For example some people want words of praise while others just want a partner to make things easier while others want quality time above all else. It helps explain pet peeves and why some things might really burn you, when they wouldn’t mean as much to someone else. Even if you’re single, this provides great insight for you to understand what matters most to you, and if your partner is willing, will give them tools to make you happier and hopefully give you the same tools to make them happy.
I am one of those people who sometimes overthinks questions or tries to figure out what they mean because I don’t want to be branded incorrectly. Don’t do that with this quiz. There isn’t a single preferable category (some questions may seem materialistic but the result is anything but). I suggest you take it online (it’s free, and only asks for an email address, no other personal info) and don’t read up on any of the love languages so that it doesn’t influence your results. Since I’m going to talk about it, I would also take the quiz before you keep reading (if you’re worried about hearing about different love languages and having that influence your result). You can take the quiz here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
When my husband and I took the quiz, both of us were surprised by the results. Not with our own results, we hadn’t read up on the love languages, but we both did the quiz before sharing our results with each other. My husband didn’t guess my top two love languages and I couldn’t guess his. That’s how we were surprised. He thought my top two would be “Receiving Gifts” (not materialism, most are little things saying “I’m thinking of you” such as a card or something handmade, sentimental tokens) and “Acts of Service” (doing things for your partner when they’re stressed or overextended; taking care of something on their to-do list) while I thought his would be “Physical Touch” (not necessarily sexual, it’s big on hugs, holding hands, etc.) and “Words of Affirmation” (positive verbal affirmations and compliments). In reality my #1 was “Quality Time” (just spending quality one-on-one time with your partner, whether it’s at home, on a date or having a good conversation) while “Words of Affirmation” was my second. His top one was “Acts of Service” followed by “Quality Time”.
This quiz forced us to look at our priorities and what spoke to us as well as what the other person needed. Funny enough, we both have a long history of doing what we wanted for ourselves, for the other person. For example, my husband is a Master at making my life easier. He’ll take care of things that I should, or things I have to do, whether it’s phone calls or picking up something I intended to pick up (like my work space, I usually do it before bed, he’ll do it before dinner) but in reality that is #4 (there are only 5) for me. Like it’s appreciated but it’s convenient and nice more than it says, “I love you.” I never thought that this was my husband’s way of trying to show me love. Just like I would leave my husband notes or constantly tell him how much I appreciated him, I would plan all these “quality time” romantic activities, thinking, “This will show him what he means to me,” when I would have been better off emptying the dishwasher.
The funny thing is I have been at this exact choice before. It’s evening, and he’s on the way home and I can either write him a detailed love letter or do the dishes. And I always pick the love letter, when he would have preferred the dishes being done. Just like I would prefer a love letter more than I would him taking out the trash or scheduling the vet. What’s so wonderful is now we both know what the other wants and responds to. It’s like a love efficiency cheat sheet! We’ve both said as much.
The profiles also explain why certain things sting more than others. For example, with my profile, it really hurts when a date is postponed for a silly reason, or if my husband checks his phone or computer while we’re talking, even if the conversation is trivial. These have both been hot button things for me. When I told my husband, “Wow, this is why!” and read him the profile he seriously thought I was making it up and asked to see it (we had printed the results), because I have said the EXACT things before, not mentioning love languages, but making a big deal about him not paying attention when we were speaking or having a date pushed off just because. I wanted notes and special dinners and undivided attention.
With him, he was all about tasks. Nothing says I love you more than coming home to an immaculate house, taking care of a mistake on a utility bill or doing something else on that pesky revolving to-do list. So now that I know, when I’m faced with the choice of love letter or the kitchen, I tackle the kitchen. And when he is faced with planning a special dinner or writing me a note over calling some doctors and setting appointments, he isn’t choosing the latter anymore, he’s writing the notes, cooking a nice dinner for us or surprising me with a special date night or activity.
The “5 Love Languages” is no joke. Like, I don’t think it will tell you anything about yourself you don’t already know, I just think it will help you understand the why behind it. And for your partner – OMG, it makes you a much better partner because you know what matters most to them. It’s funny, I feel like both my husband and I were putting so much work into our marriage, but we were doing what we in fact wanted for ourselves. At times my husband was so accommodating, I felt like a charge and he was the caregiver and I was so overly romantic with gestures, activities and notes that my husband didn’t feel like I was practical or made anything easy. (Funny fact: Most people do what they in fact want, it’s like the golden rule, but instinctual. Some partners have the same two top love languages so this works, but for those that don’t these free profiles give you a greater understanding on how to connect with your partner and make them feel as loved as you want them to feel.) Now we both leave our love languages to the other. He has been much more romantic and attentive while I have been more helpful, minimizing what he needs to take care of to the best of my ability. And I don’t think either of us has been happier – at least since the whole “honeymoon” phase of our relationship.
This quiz is a game changer. Seriously. If you haven’t taken it already, take it now. It’s only thirty questions and takes ten minutes (if that). The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t clue you in, but honestly I don’t think that will be the case. I think it will arm you with the tools and an inside look into your partner’s brain and heart (and who doesn’t want that?), and allow you to be the best partner you can be! 🙂