I had a lot of plans last week. I was working on a manuscript for NaNoWriMo and for once was ahead of the whole daily word count rat race. I was going to follow up on some pieces and review others. I was going to read a book I’ve been in the middle of for months. And I had blog posts for this blog ready to go, including a post about a recent publication of mine (my biggest, most personal and liberating to date) and my first check-in for NaNoWriMo.
But after last Tuesday, all of my plans kind of went to hell. I don’t remember much of Wednesday. There was a lot of crying and fear, just like there was Tuesday night. To be honest, I’m not even at the anger stage of grief yet. I’m not angry at the people who didn’t vote or voted for a third party. I can’t even muster the energy to be angry with Trump voters. (But full disgust and disbelief are going strong.) I haven’t really been tuned into social media and I have not been able to get much of anything done. And while I hope this doesn’t continue, I also recognize that it’s okay.
I’m not just wallowing. Yes, I am staying inside and not really talking or being present, but I am also commiserating and supporting friends, and being supported. I can’t really read anything political, or about Trump. That man is a walking, talking trigger for me. I am practicing self care, or at least I am trying to. I am trying to find joy. I am spending time with my dog. Doing what I want instead of what I should. Staying in bed. Crying some more. Venting. And when I can manage it, I am writing.
Self care is important and it isn’t something I have been particularly good at in the past. But I am trying to do it now, when I most need it.
I am sure I may post about my actual reaction to what happened last week, some day. I hope to share my publication news before it’s old news and hope to post about NaNoWriMo once before it is actually over. But I make no promises. My goal has always been to post something once or twice a week, but if I don’t in the weeks going forward now you know why.
I have so many thoughts and yet I feel so crowded in my own head, I am not ready to share them. But for those out there hurting like I am, please know that even as I practice self care, I am with you. If you need me as an ally, send me a message, and I’ll do whatever I can. I am a gay, gender nonconforming (female-passing) and disabled person. I understand the fear, because I feel it. It is mine, too.
I encourage everyone to do whatever you need for you. Care for yourself as best you can and know that I am here, I will help carry you, just as I know someone will help carry me. Together we will carry each other. To me these are not just words, or empty promises. People who aren’t consumed by hate need each other now more than ever.
Until I can do or say more, I am here, lurking and hurting and trying to heal. Self care is important. Self care is self love, and necessary. I hope everyone else has taken the time to practice it.