Lately, I have felt tired, depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious – it’s like a big ball of badness where my heart should be, pumping the negative emotions through my circulatory system so I feel it everywhere.
I’ve been severely depressed before; I’ve also dealt with crippling anxiety and fear courtesy of my PTSD. This doesn’t feel like that. And there is no trigger that I can find. It’s like I’m stuck in a state of “blah”.
For the past two months I’ve told my husband I just want to get away – for a day, or better yet a weekend or longer – the longer the better. For some reason today, it just clicked. It’s not me – it’s the world. I just need to find a way to turn the world off for awhile.
When you’re sick you take medicine, drink plenty of fluids and rest. When you’re struggling with mental illness, you have therapy and perhaps medication. When you’re injured there is physical therapy. For the last few weeks I’ve tried “everything” I could think of to snap myself out of this funk. Now I realize that I had the answer all along, I just forgot about it because it wasn’t super doable.
I need to get away.
I need to shut the world off.
The election. Stupid hospital scheduling issues. Essays in queue. Goals not getting done. Money (we can pay our bills, but balancing, taxes or never feeling like you have “enough” to save up for something you want is frustrating – I hate money). Anything on my “to do” list. Comcast (they are evil). Activist causes #1-100. Family crap. Personal crap. Marital crap (again, like the money our marriage is fine, but it takes work and our schedules have been such where we haven’t been able to take quality “us” time for awhile). Stupid people. Miscellaneous obligations. House crap.
It’s just too much. Like I can handle it usually, but every now and then it piles up faster than you can handle at a particular time and then you’re just buried and any new stuff (and there is always new stuff, since life doesn’t have a pause button) just buries you deeper until you feel like you can’t breathe.
A friend uttered the phrase “behind on life” and wow did it resonate. Yes, yes I am. And the more behind you get the more overwhelmed you get and then the more frustrated, anxious, irritable and sad you get. And then those emotions make it harder to get stuff done so you just get further and further behind.
So I need to get away. I need to recharge. Connect with nature, my husband, get away from phones and people and the internet and society/civilization because for all of the wonderful things/people out there, my God is there some stupid **** that I just don’t have the mind or tolerance to deal with them. I need to fill up my reserves. It’s been over a year since I’ve had a getaway of any kind. And I need one now. A self-imposed writer’s retreat (somewhere remote) or a trip with just my husband. Writing or personal – whatever, as long as it’s AWAY from most things and people. It doesn’t even have to be far from home – that’s one benefit of already living “in the mountains”. It doesn’t have to be a resort or a hotel – hell I could house sit somewhere remote if it fit the bill. I just need to get away.
Get away. Recharge. Shut the world off.
So, I can come back more myself, and face life with some serious sass while getting shit done and taking names.
People have called me a “force” before. Like a hurricane. But right now I’m not even a light mist in the air. I want to be that force again. And I know how to do that…
Sadly, I don’t think work, availability, money or the fact that even when getting away the world is still going, and it gives a rat’s ass what I want or need – is going to let that happen.
Need a mental health day? I know, I should take a number, because out of anything I have ever posted this is probably the post that is the most universal.
Overworked, underappreciated, overwhelmed, and deprived of sleep or assistance. If this is you, raise your hand.
Is anyone not raising their hand?
All right, I’ll take that number and just keep feeling deeper and deeper submerged in all this yuck while dreaming of an escape, just to reconnect with myself (and if he’s there, my husband). Yippee.